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Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

  1. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
  2. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  3. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!

Me fail English? That’s unpossible. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

  • Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
  • Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.”
  • Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. Inflammable means flammable? What a country.

Please do not offer my god a peanut. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.

A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Human contact: the final frontier. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city! Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. I didn’t get rich by signing checks.

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Homer no function beer well without.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!